I strive to make a difference and help everyone I can before I die. I know, I sound like I’m running for Miss USA, but it’s true. I have become recently aware that life for me is going to end, and that will be it. Nothing I do here will mean anything after I’m gone unless it lives on through other people. I am in school majoring in special education after I volunteered in Kenya for the summer at a school for kids with severe special needs. I want to be a teacher here and eventually end up back in Kenya where I can help students realize and reach their full potential, because maybe if I can help them, I can live through them, in a way, once I’m gone.

I like to pretend that somewhere I have friends. When I’m at school, I pretend I have friends at home so I don’t feel as bad. When I’m at home I just tell myself that at least I have friends at school. But at the end of the day, I really don’t have any friend, which is probably why I can’t sleep anymore and I can’t go one day without crying. I used to have friends from my church. In fact, I shared a life changing trip to Kenya with them, however none of them have talked to me since Kenya or bothered to check up on me despite my trying to keep in touch with them, and I feel hurt enough that now I can’t remember my trip to Kenya at all. I didn’t believe in repressed memory for a while, but after I broke up with my gay boyfriend of 3 years, I couldn’t remember a thing and now I know it must be true. I also thought I had friends at school, but I don’t really. I have some people that I eat lunch with but that’s about it. I had a friend that I lived with, but living with people just makes you hate them so that went downhill very quickly. I had friends at PCA and now I have none. That’s a pretty simple story, since I can’t remember much of high school. I had friends in Newburyport from middle school and whatnot, I actually had 3 best friends who promised we would stay friends even though I was switching high schools. We were like sisterhood of the traveling pants, but of course they didn’t make an effort or respond to any of mine to stay friends after middle school. In fact, they just replaced me with the girl that no one liked and that tried to get me expelled from school. I somewhat stayed friends with one of them, but we never see each other, and never really bother to make plans. I say she’s my best friend, but we hardly know each other now. I guess I don’t really need friends, they’re more of a hassle than a help anyways. And at least without friends I don’t have to worry about burdening them with all of my pent up issues. I don’t want to sound dramatic here, but I do and I don’t really care because it’s not like I have any friends here either.